The Wrong One
by Anesther
Summary: He was staring at her like usual--hoping to make her his. Then he glanced behind her, and hell was fully unleashed. For the vampire anyway. Edward x Jacob Beware of OOC-ness! And T--to be safe. Nov. 29, 2009--Whoa, an UPDATE! *gasp*
1. The Wrong One

**AN: Because I am a jerk at times—and it sounds fun—I'm going to write a love that's as forbidden and wrong as a house-cat and a parrot. Totally don't know what's with the analogy, but it **_**is**_** forbidden and wrong; it's a **_**parody**_**, so don't freak out if the characters are completely OOC. Others have written about Edward x Jacob, but I haven't read any of them—so all this horribly-not-funny-crap is me. WOOT! Dirty dog + Sparkly stone = WTFHBBQ? Oh, also, it's not a one-shot, since I got to know if 'twill be read; and it'll be too long. –laugh-**

**~:~**

**The Wrong One**

**~:~**

"Wake up, Jacob!"

Opening one eye, I glowered at Paul's grinning face, "Beat it, I'm tryin' to sleep,"

"Get up, boy," he continued like I hadn't said anything, "We gotta go meet Sam and the others,"

"Tell 'em I'll catch up later then," I growled. It's not like there was any danger at the moment, and I really wanted to get caught up on sleep.

"No can do."

Next thing I knew, I was on the hardwood floor of my room, sprawled everywhere with my blankets twisting around my legs. Paul was obviously having too much fun, and I wondered if Sam was even calling a gathering with the pack. In one move I was up and the following sound of Paul's jaw cracking was satisfying to my ears.

"Ass, that hurts y'know," he hissed at me.

"Deal with it." I replied as I started to head for the front door. His jeering isn't going to help him much; he got _waaaay_ too close yesterday when his nose was suddenly near my ass. Just 'cause we took a wolf-form didn't mean we had to behave like a bunch of dogs.

"Jacob," Billy said as I passed. "To inform you, Sam wasn't calling for you or the others."

I could feel my brow twitching. "That's what I figured." I should've beaten the crap out of that jerk-face, but my sister wouldn't let me rough him up too badly (Hope she knows he might be bi or whatever). Grabbing whatever was in the fridge, I was out in a few minutes.

It felt like a relief to be outside, the briny smell of the beach and the pine from the forest were calming; if I transformed, I could rest right there since not even the privacy of my own home could insure my need for sleep. I was still a bit annoyed by that.

Then a shape flittered in the brush, a light gray colour that didn't match with the green. Leah was in her wolf form and she sent a glare my way. For the love of— I can't catch a damn break today!

"Forget it," I grumbled and walked to the shed. My motorcycle never looked more appealing than right now, and I revved the engine at the same moment I got on. Casting an askance look at Bella's bike, I touched one of the handlebars.

It wouldn't hurt to pay her a visit, I decided. Was she home today? It was the weekend; however she might be out with the blood-sucker already. I couldn't help but smirk at that; three's a crowd, and he always showed his distaste. It would be fun to push the leech's buttons.

Bella won't be happy about my bothering the blood-sucker, but his very existence is the reason I'm stuck in this mess. Stupid piece of cement was what the thing was. I felt my hands start to shake, and I made the bike speed faster, listening to the roaring of the wind, the snarling of the motor.

By the time I got to Bella's house, I'd had pretty much calmed down enough and bounced up to the door. Charlie's car was gone and in its place was the sleek Volvo parked in the driveway, appearing just as egotistical as the owner. They hadn't left yet.

As Bella opened the door, I grinned immediately at the petulant scowl she gave to me.

"Hey, Bells," I jeered.

"Hi Jake," she said, the scowl not disappearing. "What are you doing here?"

I chuckled at her. "Thought I'd drop by since I was in the neighbourhood."

Bella didn't look utterly convinced by my answer, but at the moment I just stared—stared hard to see if, by some miracle, imprinting would finally favour me. The intensity of my gaze didn't falter and Bella started flushing. I liked seeing that.

"Jake, you're staring…" she murmured, clearly uncomfortable.

"Sorry." I said. Nope, still nothing.

He was then at her side, and I watched as his arm curled itself around her slender waist, silently wishing it was me who was holding her. I turned my eyes in a different direction, Bella delightedly saying his name a split second after he breathed hers—like they don't see each other _all _the time.

When I looked back, the air in my throat hitched and my heart seemed to kick into fourth gear. I don't know why I didn't fully acknowledge it; I was secure enough in my masculinity to admit that he was good-looking from the start; and yet, it seemed I missed _everything_. The smile he gave her was heart-wrenching, his amber gaze was like scorching liquid and his gently tousled copper hair made my fingers ache to run through it.

These feelings made me feel nauseous—in both good and bad ways. His scent still burned my nose, and I found myself drinking it in despite that fact.

His gaze was on me, now reserved and annoyed—absolutely lovely nonetheless—and my mind went blank for a moment.

"What are you staring at?" he questioned tonelessly, the sheer smoothness too surreal.

"Don't fight," I heard the girl say. I knew her name, I just couldn't remember…

I found my face stretching so I could grin at him. "At you,"

Edward—his name sent a shiver through me—quirked a brow, "And is there something particularly interesting about me?"

"Yes there is," I replied, too excited to stop myself.

"What would that be then, dog?"

He called me by my nickname! I felt so elated. "Just the fact you're incredibly handsome,"

Edward and what's-her-face shared confused looks before turning them on me.

"Jacob, are you feeling well?" the girl asked, her face appearing genuinely concerned.

"Perfectly fine, why?" I asked.

Edward suddenly had this horrified expression twisting his angelic features, and I was tempted to smooth it back to perfection.

"You… You're…" he said, choking on the words, one arm rising like he needed to shield himself. "Y-You're _sick_! _Sick_ I say!"

"Edward?" the girl inquired, worry furrowing her face. She then glared furiously at me. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything," I replied defensively. What was beloved Edward talking about?

"What do you mean you've done nothing?" Edward hissed at me and I found myself feeling a bit ashamed—at whatever it is that I did. "You've done the most nefarious thing in the world Jacob Black!"

"You said my name…" I said in a happy daze; damn, this boy is_ fooinnne_…!

"What _happened_ Edward?" the girl asked him again. God, why won't she shut it?

Edward turned to her. "He imprinted on me!"

Oh… So that's why there are butterflies in my stomach. I imprinted. Huh. You'd think I'd have been able to tell right away. Could it also explain the sudden bulge in my sweats? What happened to it—did it break? I heard Edward gasp and my eyes shifted to his musical voice. I couldn't think straight.

The girl's mouth dropped in disbelief, brown eyes widening in shock. "What?" she demanded, whirling to face me again. "Jacob, _you _imprinted on _Edward_? What the hell's the matter with you?"

"What do you mean? I've never felt surer in my life. Is that a problem for you?" What did she know?

"Of course it is! Y-You can't imprint on_ Edward_—_love_ of _my life_! Have you forgotten that you _hate_ him—that you can't stand his guts? Tell him Edward," she urged. I felt like slapping the bimbo!

"It's true," he said, his voice sending me another thrill. "I hate you, you hate me—simply disgusted with one another!" the panic in his voice was discernible, at least to me; why was he acting like that? Since he could read my mind, obviously he'd know that I wasn't deterred in the slightest however; he backed away an inch, and by some magnetic force, I followed.

"Bella, I have to go," he told the girl in a rush. "I'll call you later!" he shouted over his shoulder as he walked briskly to his Volvo.

"Wait a minute!"_ she_ and I shouted in the same instant.

Without hesitating, I leapt, managing to grab onto one of his legs. Edward drew a hiss as I held on like a rag-doll while he tried to throw me off. I wasn't letting go so easily!

"You _will_ get off me, you filthy dog!" he shouted—in a surprisingly high-pitched wail that almost seemed embarrassed. He finally had no choice but to pry me off, and when one hand got close, I kissed the palm—causing the same cry out from Edward.

He was in his car, but I too was now on my motorcycle—set and ready to follow my heart to wherever he decided to go.

"Get away from me!" shouted Edward from inside his awesome vehicle. Of course I didn't listen to him; the silly goose should know I'm too impulsive when I wanted to be; he's been in my head before.

"God knows I regret it!" he growled out the window.

I laughed and made the motorcycle increase in speed. He can try to run, but I know where the gorgeous son-of-a-gun lives anyway. His car swiveled down a dirt path to where his mansion was settled and I turned as well. Edward was driving at an impossible level, and luckily my motorcycle was keeping up with it quite well.

Then I remembered that I had to tell the pack; they had to know—otherwise the fighting would still go on between them and Edward's coven. Sighing in disappointment, I turned around. I would be back soon however, and Edward's cute little ass can't do a thing to stop me!


	2. Congratulations, You're Bi!

**AN: We all know that no one owns bloody "Twilight" except Stephenie Meyer and Little, Brown. I also do not own the song that Jake sings. XD Oh, and I hope no one takes it offensively, but the further conversations with Jazz, Em, and Edward are just meant to be for fun. I mean, I would pay money to here them talk the way they do in this chapter. Oh, I don't own the song Jasper sings either. ^^' (Sorry for taking so long, it just wouldn't let me upload anything.)**

**Thanks to reviewers and alerters: babywinchester, SkaterKatie246, Makenna, wen-parmadol, RabidFangirl07, IDon'tHaveAPenName, CreativeSprite, rebelwilla, and all you other lovely people. (Most of my mail was deleted so I can't recall everybody… T.T) I really love how everyone who read was into it. Thank you! ;)**

**Oh, but I do not thank the poo-head a.k.a. Montalvo who did not review or critique. Do it next time, man—remember, you sit across from me in 4****th**** period…! –glares- Hope you guys and girls like it. The next 'twill be longer. :D**

**~:~**

I couldn't seem to fight back the huge grin on my face. Realizing that Edward was my soul mate didn't make me as angry as I should've been. After all, I would make cracks about such relationships by teasing my brothers. It didn't even anger me on the fact he was a vampire—my, and the world's, hugest threat.

It just felt great, my mood lightened incredibly. I found myself singing—something I hated too—but I let myself this once.

"Sexy vampire, I'm falling in love, so just bite me, baby, and drink all my blood, oh yeah! Sexy vampire, I'm falling in love with you, so do what you want to do. Sexy vampire, I'm falling in love, so just bite me, baby, and drink all my blood, oh yeah! Sexy vampire, I'm falling in love with you, 'cause you need my plasma more than I!"

I was so caught up in it, that I almost didn't hear Quil and Embry coming from the side.

"Hey guys!" I greeted happily.

Of course they couldn't answer me, but they nodded. Once I stopped the motor, I hopped off and ran over to them, the two reverting back to human form already.

"Jacob? Why are you so happy?" Quil asked me, one of his eyebrows rose.

They were going to find out either way, weren't they? I went ahead. "I've imprinted."

I watched their eyes widen as both pairs of heavy brows rose in shock.

"Wait, with whom—Bella?" inquired Embry, his mouth still dangling.

"Bella who?" I asked.

Quil and Embry exchanged glances quickly. "Than whom?" they ask simultaneously.

"Edward Cullen—duh!"

If it wasn't for my happiness at finding my soul mate, I'd have probably been embarrassed at the questions they started giving me—including when the "consummation of marriage" was gonna be.

**~:~**

I couldn't believe that this was happening to me—_me_, _Edward Cullen_, of all people! Good Lord, the second I realized how his thoughts had changed, it nearly gave my non-beating heart a good jump. _Jacob Black_ had _imprinted_ on _me_!

Seeing my haven, I immediately raced through the wide double doors and quickly used the bolts and locks—something we'd never done before.

Alice was instantly at my side, her eyes full of concern and shock. "Edward, what happened? All of a sudden, I got absolutely no vision of you and Bella—"

"What?! No!" I hissed, grabbing her by the shoulders. "You have to see some glimpse of Bella and I!"

"No Edward, I do not," Alice said, keeping her voice calm. "What occurred?"

"The ultimate form of blasphemy, sister—Jacob Black imprinted—"

There were several gasps before my entire sentence finished.

"On Bella?" I heard Esme inquire.

"No mother… On _me_."

In every thought surrounding me was utter silence. And then their thoughts turned to the possibility of how we would look as a couple.

"Hey! Don't even think that!" I roared.

"Sorry…" everyone apologized. All except one person.

"Rosalie," I growled. "If you even…"

"Hey, hey, brother," she replied evenly, her arms crossed. "I don't even want to imagine such a terrible thing."

…it isn't her thoughts. Then who…?

"Jasper!"

My brother was silently snickering in the back of the living room, his thoughts set focused on the idea of me marrying the dog.

I leapt and grabbed his throat. "Would you _please_ not?"

Jasper kept his grin plastered onto his face. "Oh come now, Edward, you're merely getting the other half of the deal."

"Other half?" I demanded. "What are you saying?"

"You couldn't hide your game much longer you know," he murmured, his grin now a smirk. "I've felt the waves of lust you had towards the pup."

"Lust waves?!" I and the others questioned.

My grip seemed to falter and Jasper was now openly mocking me. "Of course Edward; whenever he was around there was just the faaaintest hint of it radiating in the air. You just have to accept what you are—a bisexual!"

"I am not bi!"

"He's bi!" Emmett laughed before coming up behind me. "Nice job Ed, when you get married to Bella or the dog Jazz and I'll make sure to take you to both kinds of strip clubs."

"Hmm…" Alice said, and I whirled to face her.

"What do you s—" I stopped short, her sentence as clear as if she'd spoken it: _I've never created a homosexual wedding before…_

"Alice!"

"It's not a terrible thing being bisexual, my son," Carlisle admonished me, patting my back. "A few of my past human relatives had occasional flings with the opposite sex you know."

"B-But… It's Jacob Black—the filthiest, disgraceful, home wrecker—Jasper, stop thinking that my hate says I love him!"

Jasper sighed and said to Emmett. "It's like kindergarten. He says he doesn't but he does."

"Oh! Eddie, hey, if you want to borrow my Jeep, go right ahead."

"No!" Rosalie shouted before I could object. "We overcompensated for that Jeep for _ourselves_. I refuse to let Edward rut with a mutt in our vehicle. Besides, having sex in the back of a car is the poorest way for a virgin to lose their virtue. It's like hooking up on MySpace—the newest way to booty call."

Oh hell no she didn't…

"Ice Queen, shut it."

"Or what, you going to set your doggy on me?"

And for one unfathomable second, I considered it.

"Hmm, but the question is Edward," Alice murmured. "Should you wear the dress?"

"Why me?! I'm so much hotter than he is!"

Jasper suddenly embraced me, nuzzling his nose against my shoulder. "You do love him! Otherwise you wouldn't have said what you said."

Esme suddenly spoke up. "No, the question is: What about Bella?"

That's right… Bella. The ones who are imprinted upon have no choice in the matter either. The dog probably didn't mean to. However, it is still no excuse for imprinting on a being such as myself. Filthy mongrel has no reason to be near me, nor breathe the air I sometimes inhale—let alone marry and share a bed. I mean really, who knows where he's been?

"Edward…" Jasper whispered, and then sardonically said in his head: _Stop lusting… I'm going to have a sexual identity crisis._

"Know what fool! Don't mess with me right now!" I threatened. This was another reason why control was necessary: I'd been watching MTV too much…

"What you gonna do about it, then dawg? Huh—I grew up in da south _fool_—I'm darker than you'll ever be Mr. White Wonderbread." Jasper smiled then and started doing what he does best: rapping. "Time is runnin' away cuz we got enough money we can bribe it to stay, so 1, 2! That's how we move down the avenue you too better act a fool like an animal, tell me what you really need. Cuz I'ma get right here (right here) Then I'ma keep it moving for real."

"Yo, you tell 'em, Jazz." Emmett chorused.

"Yeah, holla at yo boy!" Jasper said, pulling a cap out of thin air and the two started break dancing right there on the tile. Yeah… I'll never be able to do that. Jerks think they're so great 'cause they know how to rock the streets. At least Classics mean I'm more intelligent... But if I was, I'd know how to get out of this damn predicament...

**~:~**

"_Edward Cullen…? You serious…?" _Sam asked me.

"_Of course I am—I've said it twenty times already." _

"_So…" _Jared drawled._ "Does this mean we can't kill the vampires?"_

"_No!" _I shouted._ "There will be nothing of animosity between the two."_

"_Excuse me," _Sam growled._ "_I'm_ pack leader." _

"_Not if you decide to attack the Cullens." _I hissed.

We stared at each other for a long moment and he relented—which made a swell of relief flood into my chest. I felt the tremor of disappointment run through the pack, but it didn't make me fell guilty at all.

"_The treaty is not obliterated however—keep that in mind, Jacob. If they do attack humans, then we will have to go there."_

"_Right."_

"_Ew…" Paul whimpered. "We're going to have to be careful when we transform then—I'm going to feel violated having the leech-lover staring at me."_

"_Keh!" _I snorted. _"What makes you think I want to look at that shriveled up prune you call a dick?"_

"_Jake… Paul…" _Sam told the both of us when we started clashing mentally.

"_That's right—no lookin' at my brother, Black." _Leah said to me, narrowing her eyes.

"_Shut up, Leah, no one was talking to you."_

"_What, I can't have an opinion?" _

"_Not if you're going to sit there and act like this doesn't bother you. Now if you'll excuse me…"_

"_Where are you heading off to?" _Embry asked.

"_Where else," _I stated, barely controlling the smile that twitched on both sides of my snout.

"_Very well..." _Sam complied, and I bolted, my mind set on reaching his house.

"_You know, if we're lucky, the blood-suckers will move away. Or Edward Cullen will commit suicide." I heard Leah spit distastefully. _

"_Shut up." _I said and reverted back to human form, that way I wouldn't hear.

It didn't take me long to reach the house—my feet were practically like wings while I thought of Edward. Coming up to the door, I knocked, and I smiled down at the smallest of the Cullens, her eyes clearly astonished with her dainty nose wrinkled. "Hello, I'm here to see Edward, please."

"Right," she said and moved aside to let me pass.


	3. Admit It

**AN: Uh-oh, here's chapter threeeee..! My mailbox ain't workin'--my laptop has hereby crashed and, so, that meant re-writing ALL upcoming chapters to stories I was going to update, including this one. T-T **

**So, unfortunately I can only thank reviewers: rebelwilla, Harlequin Jade, Makenna, Utena-Puchiko-nyu, centuryshorty, and--like OMG, can't like, believe this last one--BladedInk. (I even put Bella's POV for you. Thank me, darn it!) If any others Story Alert **_**PLEASE **_**leave a review so I can thank you properly! Y'know… I now have no clue how long this'll be. Guess that's fun… For me! -manic laughter- -chokes- (Due to re-writing, might be a liiiittle serious (and shorter! D:), still, hope it's funny.)**

**Disclaimer: Does it seem like I own "twilight"? Got nothing but lint in my pockets and a muse who just won't seem to quit (It's trying to get me into the world of ****Daughters of the Moon ****and ****Powerpuff Girls ****too now… And it's winning…)**

**Disclaimer to the Disclaimer: Secretly, Jacob's my boy toy. -laugh- Can I say: pathetic! XD**

**~:~**

I entered through their wide doors, my eyes flickering around the large space for Edward. He was nowhere in sight and I wondered if he was really angry at me. Looking down at his sister, I said, "Is he hiding?"

She shook her head. "Nope; he's _running_."

"Oh."

Why can't he just talk to me? Honestly, he's infuriating. Sniffing the air, trying to resist wrinkling my nose like his sister was doing, I managed to barely catch a whiff of Edward. Just when I was about to bound up the staircase, she blocked my path.

"Move please," I said as politely as I could.

She raised a dainty eyebrow. "It's Alice; also, I wouldn't actually bother him at the moment."

"Why?" I demanded.

She suddenly smirked and thought she looked pretty devious. "He's… dressing."

As if on cue, I hear Edward shouting, his voice taking on that embarrassed high-pitched tone. "Go away!"

"Come back here! We're not done with your hair--we need Rosalie to straighten it!" I hear a bass voice yell, laughter mingling with Edward's cries of protest. Rushing up quickly, I leapt through the stairs quickly, finding Edward hissing in a corner with two other males--his brothers?--blocking escape.

"Agh! What are you doing in my house?" Edward shouted at me, the other two turning around to look at me.

I couldn't answer. He was…half-naked…his hair was wet and droplets dripped down his skin… My eyes roamed his body.

Edward seemed to gulp, his face paler, and the blonde vampire started snickering to himself.

"Hey, so you're the guy." the other one said, a grin spreading on his face. "We're just tryin' to get your man here ready."

"For what?" I ask while Edward continues growling his displeasure.

The blonde one scoffed. "For your date!"

"A date!" I inquire jubilantly while Edward says it like he's just threw up.

He won't be disgusted for long, I promise myself.

**~:~**

There was no way I was getting into a suit for that dog.

Watching Jasper and Emmett draw nearer, I leapt past them and landed on the headboard of the bed. They will not get me!

"Come on, put the shirt on! Then Rose can straighten your hair--maybe add colour to your cheeks." Jasper coaxed me, wiggling a finger and pointing to the blouse.

Over my dead body. Damn, made a pun…

Hurling past them and ramming my elbow into Jasper, I continued by pushing down Emmett's head and jumping over him.

His scent suddenly hit my nose, and I was surprised that I didn't sense it in Alice's mind earlier. Jasper and Emmett were upon me now and chased me out into the hallway. "Go away!" I roar, though it sounds girly to me.

My mind wasn't concentrating--I was suddenly in a corner, my brothers sneering at me as they held up the clothes. I never wanted to rip their heads off more than now.

The stupid dog came bounding up the steps just then, his expression baffled but concerned. I know that imprinting is supposed to be strong; but jeez, does he have to look so bothered? His mind was reeling with devotion for me. Making me feel bad…

"Agh! What are you doing in my house?" I shout, trying to get out of it.

He just stood there like a moron with his mouth slightly parted. I never saw how…full his lips were. It was strange, really. Not _I'd _say anything! His eyes roved me and his thoughts just turned--they weren't as dreadful as Mike Newton's, and were more on the…appreciating side but it made me uncomfortable.

_Edward… Are you _trying _to make me leave Alice? Yes, the wolf's hot. Yup, just keep lookin' at his abs._

I glared at Jasper for a fraction of a second.

"Hey, so you're the guy. We're just tryin' to get your man here ready." Emmett said gleefully, grinning at him. _You just need your make-up done; but sparkling counts as glitter right? _Stinking Emmett!

"For what?" Ja-- the mongrel questions. He's actually clueless.

_You're both so naïve. _Jasper thinks; then says. "For your date!"

"A date!" he shouts happily--his mind instantly overrun with positivism. I drip it out in acidity. Too much delight in that mind.

_He won't be disgusted for long. _I hear him think.

He's obviously delusional.

**~:~**

I didn't understand one simple thing…

How could _Jacob_ imprint on _Edward_?!

I mean really, how the hell did that happen? I thought them two were straight as rulers for crying out loud--bisexuality can't just occur out of the blue. Wait, can it? No, impossible. The only good thing about Jacob imprinting on Edward is that it's kind of…hot. Yes, sometimes I can be just a sack of estrogen.

Still… What did this say about me? Was all of it a lie? Did this mean Edward was meant to be mine for only a short period of time? Whoa, that means… I fail as a _woman_?! What--I'm not good enough to be Edward's soul mate? Of course I'd always seemed to know that. But to lose to a _guy_…? _Best friend _who's a _dude_…?! That's such a low blow--irony in a hard fist. My body's not good enough anymore? My blood's not good enough anymore? (That's a strange thing to say about losing your man.)

I need to talk about this to somebody… But who?

Not Alice; we're close but… I don't want to talk to Edward right now.

Not Angela; she would probably sympathetic however the imprinting would an issue.

Definitely not Jessica; two-faced harlot would probably blab it to the whole freaking world that I lost the hottest guy in school to a dude, rub it in my wound.

_Lauren…? _Genius, brain. Why'd you even consider that bit--

Wait… I got it!

Grabbing my phone, I dialed the numbers quickly, managing to keep it tight in my hand. I could go online, but waiting for that ancient junk would snap my mind.

"Hello, Tyrashow hot-line," a voice chipped.

"Hello, I need advice."

"On what ma'am?"

"My boyfriend left me for my best friend; and my best friend…well…he's a guy."

The other side of the line was quiet for a moment.

"Hello?" I ask, wondering if the connection was cut.

"Honestly… I'd say you failed as woman."

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. "Yes, maybe, but I didn't call so I could receive mockery."

"Right. Well, then, ma'am, I'd recommend fighting back. Just because your best friend is of the…opposite sex, doesn't mean you can't attack them efficiently. Try and win your beloved back."

"Any suggestions how?"

"Hmm… Have you thought of dressing up skimpy?"

"Never."

"…You're going to take a while… Alright, get a pen and paper." the voice sighed.

Uh-huh. Definitely, a bad idea. Stupid talk shows.

**~:~**

Finally Jasper and Emmett were able to dress Edward. It took two excruciatingly long hours to attempt making him still. He just wouldn't stop moving. His brothers devised a plan for me to get him in place for me to grope him--they said one of two things would happen: he'd be stupefied or we'd die.

Luckily, the former happened. I just skimmed my fingers along his rear and he petrified right on the spot. His ass was nice and firm. Being a vampire, I guess it was like that.

Edward stood at the bottom of the staircase, pulling at the collar of his shirt though he didn't breathe. His sister, Rosalie, didn't straighten his hair like they originally intended. She was miffed by the fact her husband and brother were forcing Edward into going out with me. She plainly showed her arrogance towards me every other minute, but the rest of them were rather polite to me. His parents were very kind--however, it was clear that this was not the arrangement they'd expected and might still be anticipating this to end and have Edward return with Bella.

"A'ight, have fun you two! Don't be out too late." Jasper and Emmett cheered, winking at me as they pushed Edward to me.

I didn't figure vampires could lose balance; it seemed like Edward was going to trip but he stood upright quickly when our bodies were quite close. He sent daggers my way and walked out the door, his head erect and shoulders squared.

"Don't worry about him." Alice explained, patting my back and smoothing out invisible wrinkles on the silk attire she picked out for me while the rest of Edward's coven fought tooth and nail to get him prepared.

"Thanks," I tell her and follow steadfastly after Edward who'd gone to the garage to get his Volvo.

"Get in," he tells me brusquely and I hop in, a grin on my face, no doubt. I know he doesn't like me one bit, but a guy can hope, right?

"Wrong." Edward murmurs and pulls out of the garage and onto the dirt road.


	4. Some Date

**AN: Hey, sorry for not updating in forever. I had my step-sister patronizing me for the laptop excessively. I really wanted to do something more elaborate and funny--since that's not a strong point--but my headache is not helping (I shouldn't even be on.) but I decided to try. **

**Thanks to last reviewers: Makenna, rebelwilla, babycullenwinchester, Harlequin Jade, BladedInk, DataBolt (of course I'm not giving up on _this_! XD) and the people from 4th period! It means a lot to me. ^^**

**Disclaimer: Again, I don't own "twilight". But I do own my tissue box and pills. (Hates liquids.)**

**~:~**

**Some Date**

**~:~**

I was nervous. Okay, not really, but still, I was wondering where he was planning on taking the two of us.

I cast a brief glance in Edward's direction, his face tight, a frown marring his brow; he hasn't spoken to me--not that he likes to--in quite a while. I know that I wasn't his first choice for a mate--he does like that human girl--but he does not need to be so rude and obnoxious about the notion.

Lights flickered on past me, the streets seeming to become darker with every second.

Where are we going?

"To a place my brothers told me about." he says suddenly. Edward is still looking out the windshield, refusing to look at me. Why can't he just be nice for a little bit?

"Because I'm never nice to a dog."

I laugh a little. _You'll get used to canines. _

"I highly doubt that," Edward replies in a low growl. "I'm deathly allergic."

"Do you always crack jokes?" I comment then, never having heard him jest--even in a situation he disliked.

He shrugged noncommittally. "I'm a funny guy, I suppose."

We then pulled up to some type of bar. To my shock--and hell, more than a little embarrassed--that this was for homosexuals. I immediately felt self-conscious. Why were we heading into a place that clearly made him uncomfortable? And, clearly, some guys in there were okay-looking; would they hit on him? Ha, that question shouldn't even have been thought.

"Feeling alright?" he asks me, a vindictive gleam in his golden eyes.

_Of course I'm fine. _I toss in my head.

We exited from the vehicle; almost immediately _every _pair of eyes outside the bar turned to look at us. They gave Edward appreciative glances that seriously should be saved for a one-night stand with a prostitute.

Edward sighs beside me, dropping his head in what seems to be frustration.

I suddenly find myself reaching for his hand, hoping that some got the hint that he wasn't available.

**~:~**

This was going to be a terrible night.

For one thing, I had no bloody idea that Jasper and Emmett knew about these kinds of places; and their comments didn't help either. "Don't cheat on him--this is your guys' first date." Emmett says. "'Cause you never ever ask your gay partner if a three-some or orgy is good on the first date." Jasper comments after.

I look at the boy to my right, his thoughts spinning around the fact this was not a typical bar. Suddenly, he's worrying about his looks, how _I'm_ going to feel when entering that place. I scoff inwardly. He should get used to it. "Feeling alright?" I inquire, making sure I sounded malignant.

_Of course I'm fine. _He replies indignantly; this surprises me, though I don't show it.

Pulling into the parking lot, the dog and I get out of car. I always expect eyes to land on me--it's natural. What I _didn't _expect was the affect the thoughts towards the wolf were going to impact me. The fury in me sparked.

_Yummy!_

_I so need his number. _

_Damn, I'd taaaaap that!_

Ditzy sons-of-bitches. Were they dropped on their heads when they were children? He's so obviously with me; why would he go with _them_ when he's with _me_?

Oh, crap. What was happening to me?

I sigh and lower my head.

The concern filling the mongrel's head nearly makes me sick. His quixotic attitude towards me never wavers in the slightest. He then envelopes my hand into his. Even though it was repulsive, the heat was nice.

He was hoping that they got the "hint", as he said it.

Not even close; in fact they seemed further intrigued at the prospect of two sexy young men tied to the foot of a bed, handcuffed--

I grip his hand tighter and drag him effortlessly back to my Volvo.

"Hey, I thought--"

I cut him off. "We're leaving."

I could tell that he wasn't upset about leaving.

**~:~**

I was glad to have gotten away from that vicinity. It nearly made me nauseous with the explosion of envy inside me. Edward might deny me, but he knows that imprinting is a factor no one can ignore.

"We can try." he murmured.

I decided not to remark to that. "Where are we gonna go now?"

Edward, again, shrugged.

I thought for a moment. Picking out random places. The movies, the mall, the park…

"The park." Edward commented.

"You wanna go there?"

"I need to think."

"Oh, okay." I concede easily.

**~:~**

"Bye Dad!" I shout as I head towards the front door.

"Where you heading off to?" Charlie asks me.

"Just going for a drive--I'm feeling a bit restless."

"Okay, not too late now Bella."

"I won't." I reply while getting out my keys. Getting into my truck, I start the engine and begin to go through my mind where they could possibly go. Not coming up with anything, I wing it and decide to drive around for a few minutes to see if they're anywhere around.

**~:~**

The park would've calmed me a little more if it weren't for the unwelcome company I had to be with.

If it wasn't for the fact that he came between Bella and I--and that he was a werewolf--the dog might be an alright person.

Luckily, no one comes out this late, especially since the degrees drop further. I walk briskly through the path; he had no trouble keeping up with me due to his longer stride.

It still annoys me to the point of no return that he loves Bella, and suddenly, I'm his imprint. I glance quickly at the wolf, his eyes lost but that blasted mind of his is still transfixed on me.

**~:~**

What's he thinking about?

Is he mad at me? Is he pondering about… Seriously, why can't I remember her name?

"Her name's Bella, mutt." Edward snarls.

"Sorry."

"You should be sorry. How can you forget about Bella so quickly--like she meant nothing?" he continued. "What's the matter with you boy?"

"Nothing's the matter with me," I bark, crossing my arms across my chest.

"I think something is the matter with you--and it's your indescribably complicated thick-headed wad of cartilage you call a cranium."

"Uh… Okay." I reply.

When he didn't relent from his now furious gaze, I sighed. "I know that this whole situation is messed up; it really isn't supposed to have to this and I didn't mean it. You know that."

He silently began to stalk away from me, and I felt my body go rigid.

I kept my mind focused on just trying to grab his forearm.

He dodged with ease and twirled.

Since I had my mind blank, he didn't realize till I was kissing him that I planned it out like that.

**~:~**

Finding them proved not to be so difficult.

I caught a brilliant glimmer from my peripheral vision and hopped out of my car.

It was cold but I ignored it. I mean, this was a situation of life and death!

"…complicated thick-headed wad of cartilage you call a cranium." I heard a velvet voice shout.

"Uh… Okay." I hear a husky voice respond.

Picking up the pace, I hurried to where Jacob and Edward were.

There was a scuttle from the blur of a silhouette.

Then, my eyes widened, when they landed on the two men kissing in the brush.

I simply couldn't believe it!

What was more eerie, infuriating, was that Edward wasn't pushing the ass away! He just stood statuesque-like; then, the worst happened. He was responding just as tenaciously to Jacob's advancements, his hand tangling itself into black locks.

This was really ticking me off…

I looked down for a second--my cheeks flushing since the sight brought up some hormones--and spotted a rock. Grabbing it, I chucked it as hard as I could at the backstabber's head. I don't know why I bothered; Jacob didn't even flinch.

Standing up, I stormed off. If this was what Edward wanted, then I wasn't going to prevent it.

I hope they get hit by a bus.

It's a rude thing to say, but right now, I could care less.

**~:~**

I still don't know how I couldn't have heard his thoughts! The amount of lechery in them rang loudly--not as bad Newton's still, but enough.

Pulling his hair, he didn't pull away. Scratching his forearms certainly had no damage of any kind.

Damn this testosterone filled fool.

Why can't he go away?

His hands burn; his mouth more so.

They're really soft; the kiss is urgent but gentle…

Wait! I'm. Not. Bi!

Reeling a fist back, I deliver the blow to his stomach, watching in satisfaction as he keels over.

"Don't _ever_ do that!"

"It seemed like you liked it."

_I didn't! I didn't! I didn't! _I repeated in a chant.

**~:~**

Some date.

First, we can't go into the bar 'cause of some mofos.

Second, he just can't get over this Bella person.

Third, his response to my kiss was a punch.

And yet, for some reason, I didn't mind it. He'll start liking me. Eventually.


	5. Outtakes: Why Won't You Listen?

**AN: My dears, because I **_**suck**_** for not writing in so long, please feel free to curse, threaten, and PM if needed. I was swamped with school—y'know, grades and all—and I felt that it required my attention; as much as writing FanFiction is enjoyable, it was necessary to get caught up and assure that I graduate. (And it won't ever be an actual job... I wish! XD) Senior year is pretty big. And I was sick for a while, but I could only update one story; had to be near a toilet. A lot. Then catching up on work, and yada, yada, yada…**

**Well, to show my gratitude, have fun with this chapter! It's different in narration and actually has nothing to do with the "story", it's more of an "outtake" kind of thing.**

**I thank each and every one of you wholeheartedly, it's always a delight to read your reviews and see the alerts it receives! Again, thank you all so much for your patience! (The "actual" chapter I plan to have up within a week or so. I'm setting up a time for myself. XD)**

**~:~**

**Outtakes:**

**Why Won't You Listen?**

**~:~**

"_What_ did you say?!"

Covering my ears, I shut my eyes and cringe from the sudden burst; y'know, for a guy whose voice is the "equilibrium of angels and harmony all synched together", it's pretty damn annoying.

"Look, Edward, get over there and freaking touch Jacob's butt. That's all you gotta do."

"No!" he shouts, appalled.

"Why? What's wrong with his butt?" I inquire, glancing at the shape-shifter in question. "It's a nice, firm ass—I don't see how it could be horrible for you."

"It's not Bella's!"

I roll my eyes, snorting. "You wanna touch something that's _skeletal_?"

"She's not skinny!"

I feign a gasp. "You're calling your girlfriend fat?! How ungentlemanly! How coarse!"

The vampire slams his head into the wall, doing more damage to the concrete and wood than his cranium. "Why must you torment me so?"

I sigh; actors; so emotional, so hormonal, and bipolar. It's worse because they're vampires—they feel freaking _everything_. "Nothing's wrong with Jacob!" I shout, losing my patience with the flamboyance Edward's emanating. "_Just_. _Touch_. _His_. _Butt_." I emphasized every syllable.

"No!" he sobs, and runs in a blur of sparkles and rainbows up the steps. Man, I can't get used to it. It's like watching a walking spectrum of glitter—confetti, lip-gloss and eye shadow for crying out loud! Annoyed with my peeved starlet (we _know_ he's the girl in this story), I sit down on the couch and flip on the tube. Nothing on… Probably more than a million channels on this thing and its all soaps, talk shows and—

"X-Men: Evolution!" I triumphantly cry.

"What now?" a voice inquires confused. "Why are you happy all of a sudden?"

"Hey Jasper! _Que pasa_?" I reply, patting the seat next to me. "Watch with me—it's awesoooooome."

"All right." He says, sipping his drink from a paper cup. He looks around. "Where'd my pansy of a brother-in-law go?"

"Upstairs."

"Wouldn't touch Jacob's butt, huh?"

"Nope. And there's nothing wrong with his ass. Don't you agree?"

"I'm not at liberty to agree with you, as I am not the least bit bisexual." Jasper says, though he is smiling, not being rude.

"That's not what the other FanFiction writers say…" I mutter.

Blood erupts from his mouth, and he chokes. "What?!"

Crap. I forgot he can hear. Oh right, we're practically a foot from each other. Duh.

"Noooothiiiing…!" I sing, getting up to leave. Forget Quicksilver, my life is on the line!

He grabs my wrist. "No, no, show me."

"Uh…" I look away, playing dumb.

"Miss Sohma, I will destroy your entire collection of PowerPuff Girls—"

"No!" I cry. "Have mercy Jazz, I don't have much of them as it is!"

"Then show me what these _FanFiction_ writer-people do."

Nutty fudgekins.

~:~

I showed him.

Jasper stared, wide-eyed, mouth ajar, and for a second, I thought he _actually_ died.

"Dude, don't act like that—Alice will kill me and defile my corpse afterwards with straws."

He kept staring.

"Wake up you!" I demand, shaking him by his shoulders.

He blinks, finally. He turns to me and says, his voice breathless and amazed, "I am really sexy in these things."

Now I blink. "Well, of _course_, you're Jasper Hale!"

He sweeps his hair in a flourish. "Thank you, thank you, I try. The blonde version of Edward Scissorhands is _always_ better."

I laugh—cause it's so friggin' true!—and head down the stairs, where we find Rosalie and Jacob fighting.

"Jazz," Rose cries, rushing to his side and clinging to him. "Tell Jacob to stop pestering me!"

"What'd you do?" the male vampire asks.

"Nothing!" Jacob exclaims, holding his hands up in defense. "I just told her that those pants don't look good on her figure!"

Jasper pats Jacob on the shoulder, frowning in disapproval. "You _never _tell a woman what she does not look well in; unless you _want_ to lose that which makes you masculine."

Jacob flinches, crossing his legs and sending Rosalie a "back-off" glare. She simply smiles a dazzlingly malicious grin and lightly steps over to me.

"Where's Edward?"

I sigh. "I dunno.

"Well, he needs to get here and wrap up the scene," Rosalie says, flipping her hair. "Otherwise, I'm going to throw out his Jonas Brothers CDs."

"DON'T DO THAT!" Edward's high-pitched wail resounds.

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear." murmurs Jasper, crossing his arms.

Edward is panting from the shock, sending Rosalie such death glares I faintly wondered when Jane had possessed Edward.

"Calm down, I am not going to touch them. Even though they suck and—"

"Whoa, hey, hey!" Edward shouts, holding out his hand in front of her face. "Don't. Okay?"

"Hey Edward!" I laugh, coming to his side. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I love you!"

They stare in shock. And, grabbing his hand, I maneuver it to skim Jacob's behind. "THERE!"

The two scream and jump twelve feet from each other. "WHY?!" They shout in unison.

"This is my story, and that is what I need done people. Hello? This is going to be viewed on every channel in the world, so it needs to look perfect. And since you two—mostly Mr. Sparkles over there—didn't want to cooperate, I showed you what you had to accomplish. Got it?"

"We're not doing that again!"

"Why not? I'm going to take back _those_ magazines if you—"

"No, no!" Jacob pleads, on his knees, bowing. If it wasn't for the situation, it would've been a very comparable position.

Edward looks down at Jacob. "You're groveling over cooking magazines?"

"Shaddup!" he shouts, blushing furiously.

I groan loudly, hitting them both on the shoulders with a wooden spoon. "Quit it, _women_,"

"We're not women!"

"Jasper, please get their possessions and throw them in the fireplace."

"Okay!" Jacob cries, standing on his feet. "I'll do the scene over…"

"Goody, goody!" I chirp, clapping my hands together. "Eddie?"

He glares at me, not happy with having to repeat the scene.

"Well, if you two had done it before than it would've been only one take. This is all your fault."

"I hope your 'readers' are getting a kick out of our pain…" he grumbles, staring off into space, probably trying to find their computer monitors.

"And if not, at least they like the lovey-dovey scenes."

With that, Edward proceeds to slam his head into the wall and Jacob crawls beneath the rug, too ashamed to show his face.

Rosalie and Jasper laugh, while I pull out my Twix and grin, chewing slowly; hmm. Jacob's rear end didn't go all the way into the rug. He's too tall… Thank God for that!


End file.
